I feel it is only fair to let you in on a little secret. I am not an expert. Not an expert blogger. Not an expert teacher. Definitely not an expert parent or wife. Not an expert at all.
To me, an expert is someone who understands the ins and outs of every possible situation or idea connected with a subject or skill. And there are too many blind spots in my experience for me to be an expert.
When I was working on my Masters thesis, I would often get asked to attend various sessions where students shared, talked about and presented their research. I avoided these events at all costs, thinking “If I join in, everyone is going to know that I have no idea what I am doing.” I often felt like a fraud as a thesis student. Even though I was running a theatre-based research project, was on-line in the “stacks” doing the research about arts-based, feminist forms of research and power relations within them, even though I was attending courses and writing my thesis… I felt like at any moment someone important in the university would figure out that I was just making it up as I went along. I felt like a fraud. That is, until the day I confessed this idea at a writing seminar for thesis students. Coincidentally, we were all women. Everyone nodded their heads in agreement and suddenly, I felt less alone. These were brilliant, accomplished, professional women, teachers, writers, mothers and grandmothers, some were wives or partners. And I realized, we all feel like a fraud at times. We all have moments where we feel like someone might discover we are not an expert.
That moment has comforted me many times in the years since. As a new parent with my first son, I often felt very lost and unsure of myself. In my classroom or the staff room, I have accepted that it doesn’t make you a lesser professional to say “I don’t know”. Not being a “know-it-all” definitely makes things easier when it comes to my husband and my mother!
Perhaps being an expert is over-rated anyhow. I think I’d rather be respected for my opinions and experience, than seen as the seat of all knowledge on a topic. I’d rather be the person someone seeks out for comfort, not facts. Someone who is recognized as thoughtful and supportive, kind but honest, approachable… because let’s face it, I am not an expert. I’m just stumbling through, making it up as I go along. Aren’t we all?
iamsomeonesmother 